AN APPLE A DAY - DO YOU HAVE A STRONG INNER-CIRCLE?

DAY 114 OF 365 DAYS TO A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE

DO YOU HAVE A STRONG INNER-CIRCLE?

(Written by Sheila Gail Landgraf)

We have covered a lot of ground in this blog post about the benefits of leading a healthy life.  For the last few articles we have discussed foods and the importance of good nutrition in our daily diet.  

This time I would like to take a small turn in another direction and discuss how important it is to be associated with a very close circle of loved ones that you consider to be as close as family.
 

A study of 1,500 people conducted on older people for ten years proved that those who had a large network of close friends outlived their peers by at least 20%.  It has been proven over and over that it is healthy to have good friends. 

Consider the fact that friends are there to encourage you to take better care of yourself.  Things that you might overlook become more obvious to them and a good friend will be honest with you and make recommendations to help you change to healthier practices.  

In a study of women who had breast cancer it was found that those that participated in a support group had a much higher survival rate than those who went through it all alone.  They also seemed to have more ability to cope with and control their level of pain than those who suffered alone. It was thought that the strong social support these women received helped to relieve the stress associated with fighting a devastating disease.    

In a study of women who suffered from ovarian cancer it was found that those with lots of social support had a much lower level of the protein that is linked to the more aggressive cancers.  Their chemotherapy treatments were more effective because of this. 

The trend in America these days is for older people to become more socially isolated.  This is not a healthy trend.  Ask any doctor or psychologist and they will suggest the average number of close friendships in a person’s life should be at least nine or above.  Is that surprising to you?

As strange as it sounds at first, It would seem from the research that social friendships are even more important in the survival rate than a spouse, children or other family members.  Though these direct family relationships ARE very important in our lives, they do not affect the rate of survival in old age as much as social friendships and support groups.  

That too may seem surprising to you; but consider the facts I mentioned earlier about support groups.  I’m definitely a VERY STRONG supporter of the natural God-ordained family unit, and I am constantly lobbying for it’s survival; but for our discussion today, I’m not necessarily talking about blood relatives.  

It may very well be the case that most people can be this close to their spouse, child or parent; and that is awesome if it is true for them; but there are other solutions out there for those who cannot (for whatever reason) cultivate this quality of relationship with their immediate blood relatives.
 

For that reason I am referring in this article simply to those that are the members of your deepest inner circle. These would be the people you choose to let come and go inside the dailyness of your life on a very regular basis; those with which you chose to celebrate holidays and special occasions, those with which you communicate and turn to when you are troubled, those you consult for needed advice on a regular basis; and those with which you can celebrate the joyful moments of life as well as your sorrows.  

Whether you are single, a single parent raising a child alone, a couple without children, a couple with a house full of children of assorted ages and sizes, or an older senior either living alone or married; you need this small inner circle of other human beings that you are close to and are comfortable being around for good health, happiness and total sanity.

 

Jesus had this arrangement going on in His life as a human being.  He considered Peter, James John and Andrew to be his closest of friends.  They were always involved in the most intimate and monumental moments of His life as a human being.  He loved ALL the disciples; but these were the ones he opened up to the most, the ones he leaned on for constant support, the ones He worshiped with, wined and dined with, went to weddings and funerals with.  

He stayed in their homes often.  They camped out with Him.  They invited Him to go fishing with them.  He returned the favor!   He knew and loved their families.  He entered their houses and ate meals with them without invitations or pretense.  He offered and prepared meals for them also.  He was always comfortable in their presence.  They felt free to express their deepest feelings and emotions around Him.  They knew they could always trust Him.

Two Mary’s; The Mother of Jesus, and a long time family friend whom he had helped through many difficult situations, were also very close to Jesus.  They were also within this little circle of people that He treated like close family.
 

Jesus had other brothers and sisters that He loved too; but the six people I named above were the ones he counted on constantly, day in and day out to always be there; to care for his needs, to laugh with and to cry with; to participate in sorrow with Him or to celebrate happy times with Him.  This inner circle of close friends also shared friendships with all the other disciples.  They looked forward to group events with the whole crowd.  Yet; these six were the ones He could just sit in silence with; without saying a word and not feel a bit strange about it.  These were the ones He held dear in his heart; though his heart was as wide as the ocean and full of love for everyone.
 

These types of close relationships are what true family is really all about.  Everyone needs family around them.  It is crucial to our health and well being.  Human beings need other human beings in order to be happy. No man is an island!

Unfortunately, for one reason or another; such family situations that normally come about often change.  People die.  People change.  People move away.  People move on to other lives; and many, many people on this earth are left without this support I’ve come to call true family.  Many live alone; with no one to talk to or no one to share their life’s ups and downs. 

Even those who are married and/or have children at home, or those who live with parents or other relatives or friends, can sometimes find themselves feeling isolated.  There are people around constantly; but they are not making any connections.  Either you or them are not interested enough to understand each other or communicate with one another.    You have polite conversations.  You exchange courteous gestures when appropriate.  You seem to get along well on the surface; but something isn’t quite enough to make you feel loved and cherished in their sight and in your relationship.  These relationships are nothing like those relationships where you have met someone special and instantly related to them and their world, or have had no fear of being your plain old boring self in their presence.  You try to keep up appearances with such people; but you long in your heart of hearts to be around someone who does not care what your appearance is like; they just love you for what and who you are, and they appreciate your own unique personality.  In other words; they are looking at you through God’s eyes instead of the eyes of the world.  Such people as this are gifts from God.  They are not to be taken for granted and when they come along; you should never neglect them or take them for granted.  These are who you need inside your inner circle of friends.

If your marriage is like the friendship I just mentioned above; you are truly blessed.  If your children can laugh and have fun with you as well as come to you for advice or just enjoy listening to music or walking through the park with you, no strings attached; you are blessed.  If your parents love you unconditionally, and never ever worry about the impression you are going to make on their important friends from work or the people from their Senior Center, and they do not constantly remind you of how many times you’ve messed up your life with stupid, thoughtless mistakes; you might have been blessed for a lifetime with perfect family love.  If you have a close friend that would drop their most important event of the year in order to come over and cheer you up; just because……you are deeply blessed and loved!   

None of the scenes I’ve just mentioned are the usual patterns of most lives.  They are all exceptions to the normal run of the mill lives we all tend to lead.  These are just the pictures of a  perfect world that needs to play out in our lives as well as our imaginations from time to time.  Often, many never really know of these things at all.  They cannot even claim one of the examples given, much less all of them; and that is just totally unhealthy.   If they are not very careful they will be sitting behind a wall all alone because of a locked-up heart.

So what can be done about this uncontrollable epidemic of loneliness and abandonment and rejection that half the world experiences every day?  

How do we all begin to get healthy with our relationships?

For starters, I am glad to be able to report that Jesus has lived in the place of lonliness too.  He suffered in that dark place of aloneness without one friend at his side many, many times as He walked the dusty roads of earth.  In the Garden when he was so distraught that he sweated great drops of blood; the disciples fell asleep.   They were not at His side; and they were not praying the prayers that He desperately needed at that time.
 

At the cross, The One who came into this world with angel songs and shepherd’s smiles and the hugs and caresses of a dedicated Mother and Father, had no one come to his side through the whole ordeal.  Even His Heavenly Father, that He had always communicated with and had a perfect relationship with, had to turn His head away and leave Him there alone for a brief period of time. Jesus felt all alone often.

At the foot of the cross no one shouted out his innocence or came to his defense.  The two Mary’s were there in the crowd for most of his suffering (to their credit); but the inner circle of close friends as well as the outer circle of close friends and relatives ran and hid and were only afraid and concerned for their own lives.  Peter, the one who was so very close to Christ, the one who openly vowed to be there till the end, through thick and thin, even denied that he knew Jesus! 

Jesus basically went through the time on the cross all alone, except for two outcast strangers.  Two criminals who deserved death actually were forced to be there at his side as he breathed his last breath as a human being.  

I am very sure Your Savior can identify with your feelings of being alone and abandoned or uncared for.  The answer is to turn to Him and let Him lead you to a better place.  He is the one person you can ALWAYS count on to be there, and as He Himself often said:  He is THE WAY, THE LIFE AND THE TRUTH.  Please do not ever take that for granted.  

Talk to him.  Tell him how you feel.  

Feel comfortable in the silence knowing that He is there ever ready to listen if you decide to break that comfortable silence.

Sing to Him.  

Pray with Him.  

Worship Him.  

He should always be your very best friend; the One that is closer than a brother.  

This one thing is the cure to all lonely hearts.  Rest in it.  Jesus is the bridge from miserable, sad and alone to hopeful, joyful and well-loved.  Cross the bridge.  Bridge the cross. There is something very special on the other side!  If you do not "cross" it; you will fail to find it.

Will your situation or your circumstances change because of it?  Not instantly; but if you talk to Him, He will tell you how to find new community and family in your life.   If you listen to what He has to say;  He can coach you right back into good healthy relationships with other caring and sharing human beings.  

Pick up The Word and begin to read.  These are His instructions.  Almost every passage will be a clue to what you need to do next to cure the lonely times of your life. 

Follow Jesus.  Imitate Him in all that you do in forming your next relationships.  

When Jesus began His ministry he found twelve to go with Him on the journey.  They did not pick Him, he picked them.  People do not just volunteer their friendships.  You must go out and seek their acceptance.  Do you know twelve worthy individuals that you would like to call close friends?  Start there. 

If you like, write their names on a list and begin to approach them one at a time.  Call them into your life by inviting them into your world, and if they seem comfortable, ask them to support you in all that you are doing. 

Don’t be surprised at those who disappoint you.  Many turned away from Jesus too (remember the story of the rich young ruler); but Jesus did not want the uncommitted to be His closest companions; He needed those who were willing to give 100 percent to the relationship.  Keep crossing people off the list until you find twelve that are truly committed and loyal.
 

Be willing to consider those who seem to be “the least likely.”  That is what Jesus did too.  Who would have thought that fishermen and tax collectors would make good disciples and close friends?  Is that not the strangest mix ever?   Jesus didn’t look at their positions in life or their knowledge, wisdom or education.  He looked at how good their hearts were.

Were they faithful, honest, loyal, caring and dedicated to the cause?  This was what made these twelve men shine.  Consider these qualities in your acquaintances and notice how the “least likely” have been good to you, or how they might have been those who stood by you in times of trouble and need when others did not.  

Have you overlooked the best candidates?

If Jesus had been friends and shared with certain people and they chose not to respond, His next response was not to persuade or try to impress, but to shake their dust from His feet.  Some will never come around.  Some will only be true until the wind blows them into another direction.  Don’t waste energy trying to make it happen.  You are losing time in seeking the faces of those who WILL respond.  Approach a potential friendship with hope and welcome.  If they do not respond and reciprocate; simply move on.  It will be their loss.

Now don’t get so arrogant with this exercise that you think I’m suggesting you form a following to worship you!  We all need constant reminders, just as Satan did, that we are not little gods to be worshiped!.  The worst type of  idolatry committed constantly by humans is self-worship.    If you truly want companionship with others; you must learn the attributes of being a true friend yourself.  

What are those attributes?  

Again; I must point to Jesus. Take up your cross and follow Him!

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  That pretty much sums up the best tip on being a friend that is as close as family.  Follow the golden rule and don’t sway from it.  

How good of a friend was Jesus?  He was willing to lay down His life for His friends.  Now that is a friendship that you do not walk away from!  

Close friendship takes work on both sides; and this is probably the main reason that many are so lonely.  Be willing to do the work yourself before you expect it to be returned by others.

May I suggest you do the work and make the time, no matter how hard it seems?  Your good health and happiness will be the result in the end.  You will be amazed at the difference it makes in your life.